Rethinking Masculinity
Rethinking Masculinity: How Men Are Socialized to Communicate and Connect
When we talk about masculinity, the conversation often gets reduced to the phrase “toxic masculinity.” While that term can be helpful in naming harmful patterns, it’s not the whole story. Masculinity isn’t inherently toxic—it’s shaped by socialization, and the ways boys and men are taught to see themselves, communicate, and relate to others.
From childhood, many boys are guided—sometimes gently, sometimes forcefully—into a narrow definition of what it means to “be a man.” These lessons show up in the emotions they’re allowed to express, the roles they’re expected to play, and the way they’re rewarded or punished for their communication styles.
How Masculinity Is Socialized
Socialization begins early. Boys may be praised for being “tough,” “independent,” or “stoic,” and teased or shamed for being “too sensitive” or “needy.” They’re encouraged to speak with confidence, but often discouraged from openly expressing uncertainty or vulnerability.
Common messages include:
Don’t cry, be strong.
Handle it yourself.
Winning matters more than connecting.
Never show weakness.
These messages are reinforced in school, sports, media, and even family dynamics. Over time, they create a blueprint for how men believe they “should” behave in relationships, at work, and in friendships.
Communication Styles: Rewarded vs. Punished
Men are often rewarded for direct, assertive, and solution-focused communication—especially in professional or competitive contexts. This style is seen as “strong leadership” or “taking charge.”
But when men try to use more emotionally open or relational communication, they can be met with discomfort, dismissal, or even ridicule. For example:
Speaking up about stress or mental health may be seen as “complaining” or “not being man enough.”
Asking for help might be interpreted as incompetence rather than collaboration.
Expressing fear or sadness can lead to social distancing from peers.
This creates a trap—rewarded for staying surface-level, punished for going deeper—which can leave men feeling isolated and emotionally disconnected.
The Cost of Narrow Masculinity
The harm of rigid masculinity isn’t just to others—it’s internal. When men feel they must constantly perform strength, they can lose touch with the full range of their emotions. This can lead to:
Difficulty forming deep, trusting relationships.
Avoidance of vulnerability, even with loved ones.
Suppressed emotions that surface as anger, irritability, or numbness.
Higher rates of untreated mental health struggles.
Agency Within Socialization
While these patterns are socially taught, they’re not unchangeable. Men can—and do—redefine what masculinity means to them. By becoming aware of these social scripts, they can make conscious choices about how they want to communicate, connect, and express themselves.
This might mean:
Practicing emotional vocabulary.
Building friendships that welcome openness and vulnerability.
Seeking therapy to explore identity and communication patterns.
Challenging outdated cultural narratives about strength and worth.
A Different Conversation About Masculinity
Instead of focusing solely on “toxic masculinity,” we can talk about liberating masculinity—making space for men to access their full humanity without fear of judgment. This isn’t about rejecting strength, but about expanding the definition to include tenderness, empathy, and emotional fluency.
Therapy can help men unpack the layers of socialization, see the origins of their communication habits, and learn new ways to connect that feel authentic—not just expected. In doing so, they reclaim their agency, build stronger relationships, and create a more balanced, humane version of masculinity for themselves and the next generation.
Reach Out to Michael Langer Today
If you’re ready to explore a healthier, more authentic version of masculinity, Michael Langer is here to help. Specializing in working with men who are navigating societal expectations, relationship challenges, and emotional expression, Michael offers a safe, judgment-free space to talk openly.
Located in Carol Stream, Michael understands the unique pressures men face and provides strategies for building stronger communication, healthier boundaries, and deeper self-understanding. Whether you’re dealing with stress, strained relationships, or a desire to break free from limiting patterns, starting therapy could be the first step toward real change.
Call today to schedule a session and begin rewriting the story of what it means to be you.
