The Power of Communication in Relationships
The Power of Communication in Relationships
One of the main differences between humans and other species is that humans verbally communicate with each other. Some animals do this as well, but that language is a well-kept secret only for the members of that species. Humans have an innate ability to communicate with each other verbally and through body language.
How Language Develops Over Time
Language develops in stages for a human. Babies begin by babbling, mostly nonsense noises that leave adults guessing as to what the child is trying to communicate. When words start to form, they are simple things like “mom,” “dog,” or “cup.” A certain amount of guessing goes into the communication at this stage also.
Eventually, toddlers string short words together to make simple sentences such as “sky blue.” As they get older, they are able to insert other words to make complete sentences more along the lines of “I am hungry.”
As people age, their vocabularies change. More complex sentences are built to express more complex ideas. Some people think that having a robust vocabulary means that someone is automatically a good communicator, but this is not necessarily true. Being able to communicate well is essential for having healthy friendships. This is even more true when it comes to having a healthy romantic relationship.
Communication Is More Than Just Words
Communication encompasses a lot of different factors. The words themselves are important, but how loud the words are said, the tone of voice they are said in, the use of pauses, facial expressions, and eye contact can all influence how the recipient perceives that communication.
A lot of fights in romantic relationships occur as a result of miscommunication. This can include not telling your partner something, questions not being asked when confused, or simply mixing up words and saying the wrong thing.
Silence Is Still Communication
Healthy communication includes a lot of different aspects. The most important thing is simply communicating. Not verbally sharing something requires more adjustment than communicating in an unhealthy way. Unhealthy communication is still communication after all.
Silence in communication can convey a lot of different things. Perhaps someone is shutting down because they have reached their emotional limit. Someone could be pausing a conversation to calm down from high-intensity emotions. Postponing a conversation due to not having the capacity to communicate is another example of healthy silence.
The Gold Standard: Assertive Communication
Communication style is a big facet in how something is perceived. The gold standard for healthy communication is to be assertive. This means communicating your needs and wants while being respectful of the other person you are talking to.
Assertive communication does not include blaming language, deferring to someone else, interrupting, or being unwilling to compromise.
Assertive communication is a combination of listening without interrupting, clearly stating needs and wants, having a willingness to compromise, standing up for one’s rights, having a confident tone of voice and body language, and engaging in eye contact.
Fighting Is Normal — Fighting Fair Is Essential
Being a practitioner of healthy communication and having a partner who does the same does not erase the existence of fights in a relationship. Most couples fight at some point during their relationship. These could be small incidents that are resolved in minutes or larger issues that take months to work through.
A set of communication guidelines exists to aid these conversations, and they are called fair fighting rules.
Fair Fighting Rule #1: Identify the Root of the Problem
The first rule is identifying why you are upset. This is important to actually get to the root of a problem. Ideally, someone initiating a conversation would have done this reflection prior to starting the conversation.
Fair Fighting Rule #2: One Topic at a Time
Discussing one topic at a time is the second rule of fair fighting. A lot of people have been in conversations that start with one subject but end with another. When it comes to fighting, this rule is important so that a resolution can be reached without bringing up past instances or other issues that may be occurring simultaneously.
Fair Fighting Rule #3: Focus on the Problem, Not the Person
Focusing on the person includes name-calling, swearing, or using put-downs. All of these things can trigger defensiveness in a person, which is not conducive to solving a problem.
Fair Fighting Rule #4: Use “I” Statements
The next rule is more commonly known, which is to use “I” statements. The following format can be used: “I feel (emotion) when (event).” This format allows the focus to be on the problem or event while clearly stating emotions. These statements are one of the pillars of assertive communication.
Fair Fighting Rule #5: Take Turns Speaking
Taking turns speaking may seem like a no-brainer when it comes to communication, but it isn’t always followed. Sometimes people may interrupt to correct something or to defend themselves in an emotionally charged conversation. Both of these things can still occur, but they need to be done after someone is done speaking, not in the middle of their thought.
Fair Fighting Rule #6: Avoid Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a protective behavior people engage in when they want to avoid an argument. This could look like not speaking to your partner, leaving during an argument, or sitting there blank-faced like a stone.
The rule is simply to not engage in this behavior. Sometimes we need to take a break from something, but if we verbally ask our partner for a break, that is a much healthier alternative to stonewalling.
Fair Fighting Rule #7: Yelling Is Not Effective Communication
A lot of people think that yelling is synonymous with fighting. This is not the case. Yelling very rarely solves a problem and tends to make people angry or defensive. Yelling can be used as an intimidation tactic as well and does not have a place in trying to communicate assertively.
Fair Fighting Rule #8: Use Time-Outs Wisely
Time-outs are not just useful for young children who have misbehaved. A time-out in a fight can be used if things get personal, yelling occurs, or if the same things are being said over and over. A good idea when implementing a time-out is to have an agreement about when the conversation should resume.
Fair Fighting Rule #9: Be Willing to Compromise
The final rule of fair fighting is to be willing to compromise. There will not always be a solution that gives everyone what they want in a given situation. Compromising usually means giving and taking from both sides. Compromising can give both parties something to work on following the fight to aid collaboration as well.
How Counseling Can Help Improve Communication
These tips for healthy communication and fair fighting are not exhaustive. The way each person communicates is unique to them, and counseling can be a perfect place to explore communication patterns.
With a trusted counselor, a person can examine their interactions in a variety of relationships. The counselor can teach skills to improve communication and point out instances where someone was engaging in unhealthy communication.
At Prospering Minds Counseling, all of our clinicians provide a space to investigate communication style with compassion and respect. Our clinicians can provide insight into patterns of communication a client may be engaging in and how those patterns are affecting relationships.
